positivity, where are you?

Ah ya

I don't know when it start or how it start, all of a sudden I realized that I've been thinking-focusing too much on the bitter side of the world.

I've seen too much of that mud and I forgot about the flowers and the raindrops and all oh-that-beauty after the rain.

Negativity lives in me and manifest itself and shape me into who I am today. At least for these past 2 years.

 

I'm not that person that I remember I am.

I used to read. I like to read. I read comic, I read book, I read my sister's diary, I read newspapers, and damn it, I even read my school books.

I used to write. I wrote since I remember I can wrote. I even made this small pocket book from myself full with my short-stories that I made for my younger sisters. I love to write and they love it too.

I used to love people. Now, people annoys me. Its not that I hate them (its not true, but I guess its better to wrote that than "I hate all of 'em"), its just that now I cant even start to imagine being in a room with a whole bunch of people where they are all talking (nonsense).

I'm envious. I don't know what I want.

I don't have an ambition. I used to have one and I love being this ambition-driven kinda girl. A friend of mine asked me this question once "if you can choose between life full of achievements or life full of pleasure, which one would you choose?"

I chose life full of achievements. Achievements makes me feel capable, worthy and that I have serve my purpose of living this life. At that time.

The best part is that I used to dreams. I kept my dreams and I made them real.

I used to love myself. I loved myself the way I am. Now I have all these bruises that I keep making every time I got mad, mostly to myself for being ugly, unloved, unwanted, indecisive, fat, stubborn, stupid, uncapable and insecure. I'm suicidal. I dont wanna be suicidal. I have borderline personality disorder and I dont wanna have any kind of disorder.

 

Now am here, reminiscing the past and thinking. Thinking where did I go? Where did my positivity go? What turns me into me?

Where did that bakso-bakar-lover girl? Where did that pangsit-dempo-lover girl? Where's Bambang's bestfriend? Yogie's and Henry's bestfriend? Gosong's? Momon's? Rini's? Niken's? Ayu's? I miss admiraal.

Where did that girl that reminds Steve's with R.E.M songs happy-shiny-people. Ah.. I'm gone.

 

I need positivity people. Where are you positivity?