Monday, January 31, 2005

A - Why Dont You Cry About It

I'm so tired, I need sleep
I'm talking to my pillow case, what's wrong with me?
I make mistakes, but them's the breaks
I'm crying out for anyone to come and rescue me

Talk about a new wave (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh!)
Talk about a way to save the day (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh!)
Talk about a new world
Just not today

Hey there, why you look so sad?
What made you so mad that you can't
You can't get over it
Hey there, why you look so hurt?
You get what you deserve, you know, here we go
Why don't you cry about it?

Life's a bitch, and so am I
If you want it bad enough, there's lots of easy ways to die

Talk about a new wave (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh!)
Talk about a way to save the day (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh!)
Talk about a new world
Just not today

Hey there, why you look so sad?
What made you so mad that you can't
You can't get over it
Hey there, why you look so hurt?
You get what you deserve, you know, here we go
Why don't you cry about it?

Talk about a new wave (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh!)
Talk about a way to save the day (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh!)
Talk about a new world
Just not today

Hey there, why you look so sad?
What made you so mad that you can't
You can't get over it
Hey there, why you look so hurt?
You get what you deserve, you know, here we go

Why don't you, why can't you
So tough when no-one knows you
No homies, so lonely
Why don't you cry about it now?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, January 28, 2005

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is one of the most controversial diagnoses in psychology today. Since it was first introduced in the DSM, psychologists and psychiatrists have been trying to give the somewhat amorphous concepts behind BPD a concrete form. Kernberg's explication of what he calls Borderline Personality Organization is the most general, while Gunderson, though a psychoanalyst, is considered by many to have taken the most scientific approach to defining BPD. The Diagnostic Interview for Borderlines and the DIB-Revised were developed from research done by Gunderson, Kolb, and Zanarini. Finally, there is the "official" DSM-IV definition.
Some researchers, like Judith Herman, believe that BPD is a name given to a particular manifestation of post-traumatic stress disorder: in Trauma and Recovery, she theorizes that when PTSD takes a form that emphasizes heavily its elements of identity and relationship disturbance, it gets called BPD; when the somatic (body) elements are emphasized, it gets called hysteria, and when the dissociative/deformation of consciousness elements are the focus, it gets called DID/MPD. Others believe that the term "borderline personality" has been so misunderstood and misused that trying to refine it is pointless and suggest instead simply scrapping the term.
What causes Borderline Personality Disorder? It would be remiss to discuss BPD without including a comment about Linehan's work. In contrast to the symptom list approaches detailed below, Linehan has developed a comprehensive sociobiological theory which appears to be borne out by the successes found in controlled studies of her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):
1. vulnerability vs invalidation
2. active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
3. unremitting crises vs inhibited grief. DBT tries to teach clients to balance these by giving them training in skills of mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation.

Kernberg's Borderline Personality Organization
Diagnoses of BPO are based on three categories of criteria. The first, and most important, category, comprises two signs:
the absence of psychosis (i.e., the ability to perceive reality accurately)
impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self. Kernberg is quoted as saying, "Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."
The second category is termed "nonspecific signs" and includes such things as low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, and an undeveloped or poor ability to enjoy work or hobbies in a meaningful way.
Kernberg believes that borderlines are distinguished from neurotics by the presence of "primitive defenses." Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad. Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.
Other primitive defenses cited include magical thinking (beliefs that thoughts can cause events), omnipotence, projection of unpleasant characteristics in the self onto others and projective identification, a process where the borderline tries to elicit in others the feelings s/he is having. Kernberg also includes as signs of BPO chaotic, extreme relationships with others; an inability to retain the soothing memory of a loved one; transient psychotic episodes; denial; and emotional amnesia. About the last, Linehan says, "Borderline individuals are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood."
Gunderson's conception of BPD
Gunderson, a psychoanalyst, is respected by researchers in many diverse areas of psychology and psychiatry. His focus tends to be on the differential diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and Cauwels gives Gunderson's criteria in order of their importance:
Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Gunderson admits that this symptom is somewhat general, but considers it so central to BPD that he says he would hesitate to diagnose a patient as BPD without its presence.
Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication. Gunderson notes that this can be confused with distortion if practitioners are not careful (somewhat similar to Herman's statement that, while survivors of intense long-term trauma may have unrealistic notions of the power realities of the situation they were in, their notions are likely to be closer to reality than the therapist might think).
Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderlines, Revised
Gunderson and his colleague, Jonathan Kolb, tried to make the diagnosis of BPD by constructing a clinical interview to assess borderline characteristics in patients. The DIB was revised in 1989 to sharpen its ability to differentiate between BPD and other personality disorders. It considers symptoms that fall under four main headings:
Affect
chronic/major depression
helplessness
hopelessness
worthlessness
guilt
anger (including frequent expressions of anger)
anxiety
loneliness
boredom
emptiness
Cognition
odd thinking
unusual perceptions
nondelusional paranoia
quasipsychosis
Impulse action patterns
substance abuse/dependence
sexual deviance
manipulative suicide gestures
other impulsive behaviors
Interpersonal relationships
intolerance of aloneness
abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears
counterdependency
stormy relationships
manipulativeness
dependency
devaluation
masochism/sadism
demandingness
entitlementThe DIB-R is the most influential and best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. Use of it has led researchers to identify four behavior patterns they consider peculiar to BPD: abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears; demandingness and entitlement; treatment regressions; and ability to arouse inappropriately close or hostile treatment relationships.
DSM-IV criteria The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
Traits involving emotions:Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.

Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once
4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.

Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."

Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
Heavy need for affection and reassurance
Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.

Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:
People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Mr. Brightside - The Killers

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doin' just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now

Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cus i'm Mr. Brightside
I'm coming out of my cage

And I've been doin' just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

Cus I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cus i'm Mr. Brightside

I never
I never
I never
I never
Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

Her Green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans.
Just to get rid of itself.
And It Wears Her Out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And It Wears Him Out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My Fake Plastic Love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And It Wears Me Out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could BE who you wanted
If I could BE who you wanted,
All the time, all the time, ohhh... ohh...

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Fortune Cookie

Open a fortune cookie at dinner tonite.
It say: Wherever you look at, hearts lie at your feet.

Huhms.. wonder what's that supposed to mean..

Monday, January 24, 2005

and I hate you so!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Pemalas

Aku memang pemalas
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service

I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.

And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.

And when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon the sending.

and that frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
and this is guiding you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

*lagu ini imut benar*

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Hah!

Huhuhu, FFX udah selesai akhirnya.. hahaha, no more sleepless nite! ^0^. Eh.. masih ada San Andreas sie.. Hohoho, Rock on!

Monday, January 17, 2005

. . .

You really hate me, dont you?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

To Love Is To Suffer

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer.To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down

Monday, January 10, 2005

Arrrgghhhh!!!!

I need to do lots of lame ass stuff!! >_< Huhms.. apa ajakah itu lame ass stuff?? Misalnya.. mengencangkan pantat yg sudah mulai lame ini =p *opo se??* Iya, maksutnya berolahraga kembali gitu.. dari kapan niat mulu.. tapi nggak gerak2. Dirumah udah ada yg mulai nyanyi2.. nyunyung gendut. Ass!! :s

Kerjaan maen game mulu.. as if nggak punya kehidupan.. tapi memang benar *sigh* Kapan gitu beli Killzone, eh.. yg dibeliin malah minta tuker.. Yaah, dituker deh sama GTA: San Andreas.. Heheheh, gara2 habis nyelesaiin Kingdom Hearts, jadi ketagihan RPG. Nyari di markplaats dan nemu Final Fantasy X. Hohohoho, tak sabar memainkannya!!! ^0^. Tambah seru lagi, apalagi kalo bukan saya yg beli. Hohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho.

Huhms.. untuk sementara, GBA terbengkalai, padahal Super Mario juga udah hampir tamat. Dunia game semakin seru.. perkomikan juga.. Hohoho, kemaren habis malak adek aku di Indo.. Hihihi, minta kirimin komik2 yg seru.. waassiieekk!!! Nggak lama lagi nyampe hopefully. Been dying here tanpa komik. Sempet beberapa lama nekat beli komik disini, di toko manga kecil deketnya A.Fusion. Tapi lama2 males juga, harganya satu biji komik nyampe 11,95 euro >_<. Bangkrut pek! Apalagi kalo mau nekat beli di ABC.. Argghh!! nyampe 14,95 euro. Mau makan apa sayaahh?? >_<

Kemaren habis nyelesaiin beli Kyo Samurai Deeper sie disana.. tapi cuma sampe nomer 10 aja, di Indo udah nyampe nomer 15. Muahahhaa, gak sabar bacanya =p. Pengen cepet2 2 minggu lagi pas komik dah nyampe.
Oooww yaa.. yaa. Kemaren di toko manga kecil itu juga aku kehabisan ide pengen beli apa, akhirnya beli GTO. Heheheh, telat banget bacanya ini. Padahal di Indo udah lama banget keluarnya. Merasa rugi, knapa nggak beli dari dulu. Langsung cinta sama si Onizuka =p.

Huhms.. di toko manga kecil tapi keren itu juga banyak barang2 lucu. Misalnya nie kemaren aku nemu American McGee's Alice. Karakternya keren, mirip sama Alice in Wonderland, but bawa pisau.. hehehhehe.
Search sana sini.. tau kalo itu PC games keluaran taun 2000. Huhms.. telat deh saya. adahal udah berharap2 itu gamenya PS2, but ternyata bukan. Dan bukan RPG, but action games gitu.. Too bad!

Huhms.. another lame ass stuff yg musti dilakukan.. anu... nyuci baju ^^".
Ahahahha, malas =p
Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru

When you walk away, you don't hear me say,
please, oh baby, don't go,
Simple and Clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight,
it's hard to let it go

You're giving me
too many things lately,
you're all I need
You smiled at me and said,
"Don't get me wrong I love you,
but does that mean I have to meet, your father?"
When we are older you'll understand,
what I meant when I said "no",
I don't think life is quite that simple.

When you walk away,
you don't hear me say,
please, oh baby, don't go,
Simple and Clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight,
it's hard to let it go

The daily things, (like this and that and what is what)
that keep us all busy,
are confusing me,
that's when you came to me, and said,
"Wish I could prove I love you,
but does that mean I have to walk on water?"
"When we are older you'll understand,
it's enough when I say so,
And maybe, some things are that simple

When you walk away,
you don't hear me say,
please, oh baby, don't go,
Simple and Clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight,
it's hard to let it go

Hold me
whatever lies beyond this morning,
is a little later on,
regardless of warnings,
the future doesn't scare me at all,
nothings like before...

When you walk away, you don't hear me say,
please, oh baby, don't go,
Simple and Clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight,
it's hard to let it go

Hold me
whatever lies beyond this morning,
is a little later on,
regardless of warnings,
the future doesn't scare me at all,
nothings like before...

Hold me
whatever lies beyond this morning,
is a little later on,
regardless of warnings,
the future doesn't scare me at all,
nothings like before...